It's Hard to Grow Used to Rejection

I still remember the look on my sister-in-law’s face when she made her latest and boldest statement.

“Oh they’ll hire you,” she said confidently of a local bus transit company. “They’re always hiring.”

She told this to my husband who has a job with a very, very modest salary. Of course it means we’re unable to pay our rent or bills with what he earns. And I have been searching for work since earlier this year.

In an effort to spare us from homelessness he has been applying to become a bus driver. He even attended a Coach Operator Bridge program through Omnitrans in the Inland Empire just to improve his odds.

If you read one of my last blog entries, you know what my difficulties have been in finding work. The list of he has applied for is double that.

So imagine our relief when she, herself a bus driver, gave us such an assurance. It gave us hope that we might find something that will help us survive. We might be able to support our son. My husband searched their site and applied within a day or so.

On Saturday, my hope again turned to tears. The transit company’s email response read in part:

“At this time, we have decided to concentrate our attention on other candidates who we believe best meet the current needs of our organization.  Please be assured that your application was given full consideration.”

I have read these words literally dozens of times. He and I have been graciously thanked for taking the time to apply. He and I have also repeatedly been assured that our application was given full consideration.

In one case, our notices came within days of one another and came fresh off the copier on the same letterhead, on the same sturdy paper and with the same signature in the same perfectly positioned spot.

In some way, I find it odd that I am devastated over another typical rejection. The small voice in my head tells me to put that away and keep moving forward. But there is another part of me that can’t help but drop to my knees.

Friends and family are mystified as to why we cannot get jobs. I can't explain it myself.

I find myself asking what I have done to earn the scorn of so many. Why have I been shunned so badly, so completely? I have never ever in my life been so pushed out. As a Catholic, I’ve begged God to tell me what sin I have committed. And I’ve found myself begging him not to punish my son or husband for my sins.

I sent a letter to Pope Francis begging his prayers and forgiveness for whatever I have done. It’s true.

What I need now is to never mind that I am a smart and experienced employee with a good amount of print and online communication experience. Never mind that I am loyal and serious.

The truth is I will do just about anything to save my family. Hire me because you know you will be able to use and abuse me and I will sit still. Kick me. Slap me, fine. Just employ me.

I have more jobs leads of course. And I will try them all. I promise that each and every time it will be with all my heart and the same optimism. But I need a miracle now.